UNCLASSIFIED // FOR OFFICIAL DELUSION ONLY
FROM: NAVSEA HQ (Now Apparently Useless Ship Engineering Administration)
TO: All Concerned Parties Still Pretending This Is Fine
SUBJECT: Ongoing Excellence in Maritime Financial Incineration
Shipmates,
In keeping with our proud tradition of turning billion-dollar plans into billion-dollar regrets, please find the following status update on key procurement victories:
-
Littoral Combat Ship
(LCS, little crappy ship):
We’re proud to announce the early retirement of several LCS hulls after years of heroic effort achieving limited operational value. We remind fleet commanders that despite being armed, these ships are best used for photo ops, diplomatic dockings, or light ferry duty. -
Zumwalt-Class (DDG-1000):
While the advanced gun system lacks ammunition, it remains a powerful symbol of fiscal optimism. All three ships are now designated as Mobile Technology Shrines (MTS), perfect for inspiring future generations of overengineers. -
Constellation-Class Frigate (FFG-62):
Initial construction has been delayed due to weight gain and ambition. We’re confident these frigates will float—eventually. Design modifications continue until morale improves. -
Amphibious Assault Ships (LHA/LPD):
Despite doctrinal irrelevance, production continues unabated. Remember: strategy is temporary, but shipyard contracts are forever.
We remain committed to building the world’s most expensive fleet of underperforming platforms. Please forward all accountability inquiries to our recycling bin.
V/r,
Rear Admiral Budgetburner, USN
Chief of Staff, NAUSEA