A friend of mine recently sent me the following; if you are a former serviceman, you may, or may not, recognise the species(!)
Private (Pte):
Fresh out the box. Still calls everything “mate.” Carries everyone’s kit and half the section’s morale. Helmet 4 sizes too big. Doesn’t blink during stag ‘cos they’re still scared of the dark.
Lance Corporal (LCpl):
Just discovered power. Wears a permanent frown. Gives orders like they’re on exercise, even at Tesco. Favourite phrase: “Don’t call me mate, I’m a Lance Jack now.”
Corporal (Cpl):
Section commander, pub philosopher, and unofficial welfare guru. Runs everything. Can tab 10 miles hungover, still lead a fire team, still make a brew mid-contact. Peak soldiering form.
Sergeant (Sgt):
Wounded from the knees down but won’t go sick. Runs the platoon while the officer “develops.” Knows every trick in the book. Wrote half of them. Lives for tabbing, sarcasm, and a deep suspicion of PowerPoint.
Staff Sergeant / Colour Sergeant (SSgt/CSgt):
Doesn’t shout. Doesn’t need to. Can end careers with a glance. Lives in the company office. Smells faintly of admin, instant coffee and disapproval. Knows your number, your leave balance, and your past.
Warrant Officer Class 2 (WO2):
Voice of doom at Company level. Once fixed a printer with a threat. If you mess up, they already know… even if you’re 300 miles away. Cap badge cleaner than your conscience.
Warrant Officer Class 1 (WO1):
RSM. Doesn’t walk – glides on a tide of fear and perfectly ironed trousers. Can correct your posture from across a parade square. Only speaks in riddles, regulations and drill-based metaphors.
Second Lieutenant (2Lt):
Issued last week. Still has that new-officer smell. Uses a compass indoors. Tries to “connect with the troops” by asking about FIFA and meal deals. Always lost, forever keen. Must be protected.
Lieutenant (Lt):
Less confused, slightly more dangerous. Thinks they’re in charge. Actually being project-managed by a Sergeant who’s seen more wars than an MOD filing cabinet.
Captain (Capt):
Writes orders, drinks coffee, gives “guidance” part-strategic, often well-spoken and slightly overwhelmed. Still believes morale lives in a spreadsheet.
Major (Maj):
Speaks fluent buzzword. Thrives in planning cells. Last seen in the field during the reign of a different monarch. Loves policy, hates mud. Fully detached from reality, but delivers cracking presentations.
Lieutenant Colonel (Lt Col):
Thinks in doctrine, briefs in acronyms. Claims they’re “still one of the team” while wearing a North Face and referencing “the lads” from their desk at HQ. Morale meetings every Tuesday. No one knows why.
Summary:
Every rank has its place. Some write the plan, some brief the plan, some pretend to read it.
But only the Corporal knows what’s really happening, when it’s actually happening, and where the brew kit is.
Note - mini glossary for non-Brits:
Tesco’s - large supermarket chain.
Tab - to be able to march long distances in full kit at some speed.
Stag - period of sentry duty.
Lance Jack - Lance Corporal.
Brew - Hot drink.
RSM - Regimental Sergeant Major - Top soldier in a Battalion or Regiment.
FIFA - International Federation of Association Football.
MOD - Ministry of Defence.
North Face - manufacturer of outdoor clothing.
… lets not forget the Household Cavalry ranks …