The title says it all… she’s glad I have a hobby that I like, and yet she thinks that, too often, I model when I could use that time to do things for the household.
I’m an involved husband and dad, take care of the house and yard. I mean, I’m the opposite of being a dead weight, and yet it feels that the thing I have and get to do a few hours a week when I’m lucky equates to me being overly selfish.
She’s fine with us disagreeing on that, but it truly annoys me because it makes me feel guilty. Anybody here has had to deal with this situation?
It’s the usual story, balance & compromise assuming that continuing to live with a partner is the mutual plan.
SWMBO’s never objected to the hobby mercifully, quite the opposite she’s always trying to solve a problem I might encounter. She used to do tapestries as her hobby, abandoned it for medical/eyesight reasons but now she’s “fixed” she’s thinking of resuming. My point is, what’s the wife’s hobby and how much time does that take? A question worth asking if she’s somehow resentful of yours.
Whatever, most evenings I get on the alternative workbench (aka the dining room table) which is strategically positioned to see the TV while SWMBO’s watching on the couch. We usually agree 75% of the time what we want to watch, the other 25% I can really concentrate on what I’m doing. Peace.
I had that when I lived with an ex-gf. It got to the point that when we broke up and I was being set up to go on a first date with my now wife of 27 years, it was one of the things that would be a red line even before dating. I’ve got hobbies from way before adulthood that I wasn’t giving up but knew the realities of involvement with them vs married life. I lucked out or did enough research on my wife beforehand to prevent what I knew would be a breaker. So with that, there’s some youtube videos that various people address male hobbies and relationships. Some are skewed to the ends but we’ve watched a bunch together and discuss them. They may be a good ice breaker to start discussing what the issue is and how to go forward. Some people I know their wife just wanted total control of their time, others didn’t see it as important but came to understand how the guy views them as a part of him she’s rejecting. Best of luck to you. When my wife does get itchy about my hobbies it’s usually money because I’m very squirrel like and dive headfirst into things, that was a me issue and one that’s been addressed. Family and time wise it was never a problem as I’m a night owl and usually do my thing in the wee hours or overnights and my kid loved that she could get things fixed or help with decisions I had regarding paint.
Wow it sounds like I got lucky! My SWMBO has a number of crafting hobbies, and even builds Warhammer figs. The only wrinkle is how she side-eyes my shelves full of unbuilt kits, especially when I buy a new one. But that’s mostly about taking up space and spending money - she’s OK with the hobby itself.
Every SWMBO will generate a honey - do list of things that need to be done that are more pressing than bench time. That’s just the nature of the beast. She may even invent things if she doesn’t see bench time as a valuable expenditure of time. I have to deal with that from my wife all the time. Scheduling does the trick. You’re not being selfish.
But you’re doing something that you enjoy that’s constructive, at home, sober, within arm’s reach of her, so she should be happy and content of your hobby. She knows where you are and you’re doing something wholesome, and relatively inexpensive for the cost \ time spent factor.
Consider the common alternatives -
Golf: Hundreds or thousands spent for equipment, then $100 a game and all afternoon away from home. Throw in lunch and a few drinks and tack on another $100 and all day.
Fishing: Hundreds for a charter, hundreds for equipment, you’re gone all day and you could come back empty handed.
Hunting: Thousands for equipment, you’re gone 2 or 3 days and you could come back empty handed. Or be eating venison for 3 months straight.
The Strip Club: Spending hundreds in singles and on drinks, up to no good looking at other women’s junk, engaging in questionable acts, and gone all night.
So you see, those are just a few of the much worse things, all legitimate, that you could be doing instead of building models. You work hard, are a good family man, and keep up your responsibilities. Your wife owes you a few hours a week, or at least one hour a day, to pursue your hobby. You are not being selfish. You are not asking much. You are doing something relatively inexpensive and wholesome. She needs to accept that.
There have been times when my guilt at not spending time doing house stuff, or spending time with my wife has been self imposed. It took me some time to realize that. And time to rectify that. A while ago I was teasing a cousin of mine about the self-help book “Let Them” that she was reading. Apparently it is more about “Let Me” and the importance of taking time for your self; giving yourself permission. In a world where so many people, and events, etc., are demanding one’s attention, we all need time and space to decompress. And as my wife once said, “At least I know who his mistress is.”
My wife(35+ yr.s) never dis-liked my hobby. I’ve done models since I was a kid. of course life gets in the way (jobs, kids, etc) and during the busy times the hobby may have to be put on the back burner, which is what I did. Now that I’m retired and she is semi-retired she appreciates the hobby. We each have our own hobby to work on, we set aside time every day for hobby time, but then come together later to do common household stuff.
My wife considers that my hobby - model ships, aircraft, armor, figures, etc. - are a waste of time and money, but its better than collecting (or producing) pedo-porn!
That’s true that I could have a hobby taking way more time and money!
I went back to the hobby rather recently, so it was not part of our life when we met. But, as I mentioned, it has never taken over other responsibilities, for the very reason that it’s just a hobby. Some weeks, I don’t even get to model because life is too busy and I’m too tired.
She says she doesn’t truly hate it, that it’s more that she doesn’t find it interesting, but she that she understands it’s important for me. But her comment yesterday really hurt. For context, I was off work this week and there is one thing she was hoping I would do in the basement that I didn’t because I spent more time than usual on the bench.
We have a happy marriage, so no worries; it’s probably part of the common struggles of people in a committed relationship. But it feels like it’s a part of me that I will have to really just keep for myself and not even talk about.
My wife doesn’t have a comparable hobby, like craft kind of thing, but she does take time for herself on other activities though. I think it comes down to her looking at my hobby as not something generally useful in any ways. If I were knitting, at least I could make tuques!
No more SWMBO for me…
My first effort: We grew apart after the first year of living under the same roof for sixteen years — can’t believe it dragged on that long. Divorce was inevitable.
Second effort: The dodged bullet, where I nearly married again, this time to someone out of the ‘Fatal Attraction’ movie! Whew! That was way too close!!!
My respect to those who’ve worked things out, but for me, I’m never looking back. “Exit stage left.”…
It is always about balance and realizing that a person’s IM-balances are what make them the person that they are. We don’t want to get out of balance to a state of dysfunction, but a little bit is normal…inevitable in most people. We are not insects.
I get carried away with modeling in the winter, but now that the weather is very nice, modeling has reached a standstill. In the dog days of August, I’m sure I’ll be recovering in the model cave once more. My wife has figured out that I am self-regulating, within a range, and that it is counterproductive to try to drive me like an animal.
Actually, I don’t think the title covers the issue correctly. It sounds like she has an issue with the time you spend on hobbies, not what that hobby would be.
Yes, Kurt, you have a point. She finds the hobby deeply uninteresting and useless, but she respects that it’s mine, although she wishes I would prioritize whatever she thinks is more important when this thing shows up.
For more context, we were talking about gender roles and the way men and women are socialized, leading her to say that it is more acceptable for men to stop doing important things and switch to their personnal activities.
